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Into His Marvelous Light

4/22/2013

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www.lib-art.com

Into His Marvelous Light
(through Mary’s Seven Sorrows)

Introduction


One morning I got up at 5:00 to pray, and in that prayer I met Jesus, in my heart, in the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus had been directing me to get up at 5:00 for some time, and every morning my alarm would ring at 5:00, and I would have some excuse to remain in bed for an hour or so longer. They were “good” excuses, I thought; like, “I was up very late the night before, and I need to be rested to care for my disabled daughter. Still, Jesus kept asking me to get up at 5:00.(I guess He didn’t understand my “need” for sleep.) “I am your strength, your energy, and your life,” He would say to me.


Anyway, when I got up at 5:00 that morning, I was eager to finally experience the Lord’s Heart in that Garden, and I did. What I experienced was that, in spite of my presence with Him, His Heart was painfully alone, as His Heart had been when He went through His Agony. But I was eager to comfort Him and, maybe, to relieve the guilt I felt about leaving Him alone so many mornings.


“I am waiting with You, Lord,” I said. Jesus responded: “It is I who wait with you.” And His words called forth reflections of the many times in my life that (I now know) Jesus waited with (and for) me. The longest period was between the ages of 20 and 32—a period in which I had rejected Jesus, with whom I had had a close relationship since early childhood. It was during that 12-year period that I was sexually promiscuous and had four abortions. I didn’t know it then, but I now believe with certainty that Jesus waited with (and for) me for that entire period.

I have a beautiful memory of my First Holy Communion at the age of seven—a memory that came to me soon after I returned to the Catholic Church. I had thought that it was a memory of the actual physical circumstances of that First Communion, but now I realize that it is an image, that the Holy Spirit “painted” in my soul, of my spiritual experience of that Communion—and in a larger sense, of Communion with Jesus. In the image I am dressed in an immaculately white, lacey dress, with a crown of white flowers, and a white veil that covers my face until the moment when I receive the white Host. I receive the Host like a kiss from my Prince, my Bridegroom. I experience the love and peace of Christ penetrating my heart and soul.


After my First Communion, whenever I entered a Catholic church I experienced the holy Presence of Jesus, and each Communion was special. That holy Presence was my refuge. Whenever I walked into a Catholic church I felt at home and safe. Even during the period when I had rejected Christ and Christianity, and even a belief in the existence of God, I would occasionally have a dream of being in a Catholic church, and always there was a sense of something lost, though, as an agnostic, I could no longer remember what that “something” was.

When I began to hunger to recover the faith that I had thrown away, one of the first things that I did was to go during my lunch hour to a Catholic church near the office where I worked. I just sat there. I never spoke any words to the God that I wasn’t sure existed, but now I know that my silent presence in that church was a more profound, powerful prayer than words could express—a prayer that I would experience His Presence again.


Recently it occurred to me that God gave me that special experience of my First Holy Communion in order to strengthen and comfort me in preparation for the abuse that I suffered at home and elsewhere. It occurred to me that it was like when Jesus celebrated the Last Supper with His disciples. I believe that one of His reasons for celebrating that Supper was in order to give his friends the strength and comfort that they would need in facing His Crucifixion and death.

Since I resolved to write this book that the Lord has, for many years, been calling me to write, I have been pondering the question: “What is Your marvelous light, Jesus, that You have called me into?” Yes, I know that Jesus is the light, as the Apostle John says repeatedly in Chapter 1 of his Gospel. Still, I have had a deep sense that the Lord wants to give me a deeper knowledge and understanding of His marvelous light, and to share that knowledge and understanding with the readers of this book.


One morning in prayer about the book, I became aware that I was embarrassed at the thought of sharing my intimate relationship with the Lord through this book. I asked the Lord to give me a healing “word” about that, and a beautiful image came of Jesus and His Heavenly Father gazing at each other with love, and then the image changed to Jesus and I gazing at each other with longing, and then love (longing fulfilled). Then Jesus said, “It is what the world is longing for.” He shared with me His intense desire to share this gift with the world. I was so touched by His words and His fervent desire to bless all of His brothers and sisters—sons and daughters. I deeply desire, with Jesus, to share with the world the marvelous light of a face to Face relationship with Him. It is a relationship that I am still coming into, still longing to come into more fully.

So, where do Mary’s Seven Sorrows come into this picture? I thought I was ready to write this introduction when Mary added those words in parentheses—that is, of course, she clearly communicated to me that part of the title. And she communicated to me to divide the book into sections, using the Seven Sorrows as a kind of “frame” of this “house” I am beginning to build.


And so I have pondered how Mary’s Sorrows relate to Jesus’ marvelous light. Since I came home to the Catholic Church in 1992, I have had a recurring image of me as a little girl, and Mary, my Mother, has taken me by the hand and is leading me up to an old-fashioned communion rail, where I receive the gift of Communion with Jesus.




As a Little Handmaid of Our Sorrowful Mother, I have experienced a union, deeper than ever before, with Jesus, through Mary’s Sorrowful Heart. I experience this union as I pray the Seven Sorrows Rosary; as I offer my personal sufferings and sorrows in union with Jesus and Mary’s Hearts, throughout my day; when I talk heart to Heart to my Blessed Mother about some problem; and, most of the time, when I make the time to be alone with Jesus, to share my heart with Him and to experience His Heart.


My devotion to the Suffering Heart of Jesus, through the Sorrowful Heart of Mary, has gradually shown me the value of the suffering and sorrows that I have experienced throughout my life.


And so I will be sharing my spiritual journey with you, my sisters, in the “context” of Mary’s Seven Sorrows, and I will be meditating on those sorrows as I do so. For each of my personal sorrows, besides relating in a simple way the pain of those sorrows, I will share my reflections about the good fruit that God has grown in my heart and soul through that suffering and sorrow.


My journey for the last twenty years of my life has been more and more intensely a journey out of darkness into the marvelous light of Jesus’ Resurrection. It is my hope and prayer that Jesus will call you, my sisters, more and more out of the darkness of any wounds that still need healing, out of the darkness of any sins that still need repentance “…into His marvelous light.” And together, I pray, we will “declare His wonderful deeds” to our brothers and sisters who do not yet know the marvelous light of a close, loving relationship with Jesus, and through Him, with the Father.

Jesus and Mary's little handmaid,

Cami


“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's own people, that you may declare the wonderful deeds of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.” (I Peter 2:9)


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Into His Marvelous Light

4/11/2013

1 Comment

 
Picture
http://www.catholicworldart.com/Ecce_Homo.html


Into His Marvelous Light

(through Mary’s Seven Sorrows)

 

“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's own people, that you may declare the wonderful deeds of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.” (I Peter 2:9)

 

Preface

 

In 1992, the year that I returned to the Catholic Church after being separated from it for almost thirty years, I went through ten months of counseling with a Dominican sister to help me come to that decision to “come home.” Part of the process of that counseling was a powerful beginning of the healing of my heart and soul from the wounds of four abortions that I had had as young woman.

As I stated, it was a very powerful beginning in which I actually experienced the presence of God loving me. When I ended my counseling relationship with Sister, I immediately had a strong sense that God was calling me to share the story of my spiritual journey—the story of His infinite Mercy—and  I began to write it. When I shared the first couple chapters with two Catholic friends of mine, they immediately said, “No, don’t ever share this with anyone else!” I knew that they wanted to protect me from being condemned by others, and I was afraid to share it with anyone else.

However, I continued to experience a deep inner sense that the Lord wanted me to share my testimony with others. Yet I was deeply conflicted about it, so I prayed and prayed, asking the Lord over and over again if He truly wanted me to share my story with others.

One night I had a dream that I was kneeling at the end of Mass, making the Sign of the Cross very reverently, bowing my head before the Lord. Then I looked to my left across the aisle from me, and I saw a monk. His name, I knew, was Brother Raphael, and he was looking at me very intensely. Then, in an instant, he was standing behind me, saying, “Be in the world in the truth of your life. Christianity is your master.”

 

Since these words came at the end of the Mass, I saw them, when I pondered the dream, as the “dismissal,” which is also the “sending forth” of us as disciples to share with others what the Lord has so generously given to us—Himself! I believe that the Lord was communicating to me that the way to love and serve Him was to “be in the world in the truth of my life, who is Jesus Christ; not to be concerned about what the world thought of His plan for me.

 

For many years I struggled to write a book about my spiritual journey. At first I would write a couple pages and then throw them away, sure that my writing was not any good, and ashamed to share the story of my life with others.

My healing journey continued, and the more I healed, the more I was able to accept writing about and sharing the story of my spiritual journey with others. I would go for months without writing, but I stopped throwing away the chapters.

A few years ago I completed my first spiritual autobiography, and I submitted it to several Catholic publishing companies, but none of them were interested in publishing it. One editor was kind enough to write and say, “Don’t stop writing,” even though, she said, they were not publishing that kind of book at that time. The spiritual director that I had at that time said, “Well, maybe the Lord just wanted you to write it for your own healing. Let go of it now.” It was disappointing, but I let go of it, giving thanks that I had received a lot of healing from the writing of it.

Then in the last three years the Lord started communicating to me again to write a book about my spiritual journey. “Why would I do that?” I thought, with some irritation. “No one would want to publish it.”

Recently the Lord has become more urgent and intense in His direction to me to write the book. One morning, when I began to pray, an image came of Ecce Homo, Jesus standing—mostly naked, bleeding from large gashes all over his body, crowned with thorns—before the crowd who had gathered to condemn Him. His hands were tied, and He said in a frustrated tone: “My hands are tied!” My heart sank, because I guessed correctly that I was the one who had tied His hands.  “Your hands are tied about what, Lord?” I asked Him in my journal. He answered: “It is important that you share your testimony…Share it in every way that you can share it. I am speaking through you. You are My voice.”

 

I called my spiritual director, and he reminded me that St. Teresa of Avila (a saint that he and I both love) wrote her Life in obedience to the Lord and to her spiritual director. “I admonish you,” he said, “to obey the Lord’s command to you.” The word admonish got my attention and reminded me that obedience to the Lord is not an option, if I want to love Him in more than just words. “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments”

(John 14:15).

 

As I pondered all of these things it occurred to me that I (as well as my two Catholic friends who had strongly “counseled” me not to share the sins of my past with others) had been like St. Peter in the following Scripture:

From that time Jesus began to show his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things from the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised. And Peter took him and began to rebuke him, saying, "God forbid, Lord! This shall never happen to you."  But he turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me; for you are not on the side of God, but of men."  Then Jesus told his disciples, "If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. (Matthew 16:21-25)

 

 

And, so, “here I am, Lord,” finally beginning again to write the story of my spiritual journey, in obedience to You and to my spiritual director. You will decide what to do with it. I’m sorry that I kept Yours “hands tied” for so long. It seems to me that you are in a hurry for me to share this testimony, so I plan to send it to my spiritual director, one chapter at a time, and, when he approves it, I will send each chapter out to the little handmaids and others and post it on our website.

Father also communicated to me again that my writing is primarily for the   sake of the Little Handmaids of Our Sorrowful Mother, the women’s prayer apostolate that the Lord, through Our Sorrowful Mother, called me to found in July, 2010. Again he referred to St. Teresa of Avila, who had written her spiritual writings primarily for the sake of her Carmelite sisters. He told me that the little handmaids need to be “fed,” as all souls need to be fed.

So, little handmaids, my beloved sisters, I am writing this account of my spiritual journey with the hope and prayer that it will feed you: your souls and your hearts. I trust that God will call any others that He has in mind to be fed by it.

 

“…we have received grace and apostleship to bring about the obedience of faith for the sake of his name among all the nations…” (Romans 1:5)

 

The Catechism of the Catholic Church states:

148 The Virgin Mary most perfectly embodies the obedience of faith. By faith Mary welcomes the tidings and promise brought by the angel Gabriel, believing that "with God nothing will be impossible" and so giving her assent: "Behold I am the handmaid of the Lord; let it be [done] to me according to your word."12 Elizabeth greeted her: "Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord."13 It is for this faith that all generations have called Mary blessed.14

149 Throughout her life and until her last ordeal15 when Jesus her Son died on the cross, Mary's faith never wavered. She never ceased to believe in the fulfillment of God's word. And so the Church venerates in Mary the purest realization of faith.

May we, my sisters, in union with Our Sorrowful Mother and her Suffering Son Jesus, grow in obedience of faith…for the sake of His name among all the nations”!

Jesus and Mary’s little handmaid,

Cami




--
Little Handmaids of Our Sorrowful Mother
www.s
orrowfulmother.net
And Mary said, "Behold I am the handmaid of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word." (Lk 1:38)



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    Author

    Cami Murphy.

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